Parent Hard: A Middle School Survival Guide

There are a lot of hard things that come with being a parent. From sleepless nights, to never having the privacy to use the bathroom again on your own, to the dreaded puberty. Each stage comes with its own developmental task, and spoiler alert they are all hard.

Belonging and acceptance are important at every stage. Even the most secure children have scars from attempting to navigate this developmentally normal process called middle school…add in some acne, insecurity, and anxiety to get the real experience.

Girl drama starts early and no one is immune to it. Being excluded outright is painful. But being included one time and then not the next that is brutal. Rejection by a person’s perceived inner circle is devastating to kids and adults alike. Why don’t they like me? Have I done something wrong? Am I in some way flawed.

Belonging is a psychological construct that is complicated. Yes there is bullying in middle school, but more often it is just difficult friendship dynamics compounded by issues of self worth. The hardest parts of parenting is trying to parent something that you feel deeply connected to.

As I watch my own children struggle with belonging, I am acutely aware that my own feelings are involved. Adults want belonging for themselves as much as they want it for their children and therefore it feels deeply personal when middle school provides its developmental knocks.

While middle school is tough for all of us, we as parents have more wisdom than a preteen. We also have more wrinkles, stretch marks, and if you are like me a fun “kangaroo pouch,” formed by carrying three massive children. So let’s act like it, parent hard. Let’s manage belonging for ourselves while we teach our children to navigate the social scene.

So, here are my helpful tips for managing belonging in middle school.

-Validate your child’s feelings and encourage them to make healthy choices.

-Teach your child positive self talk. Those things you say to yourself when you need motivation, inspiration, and reminders of your own worth. Your kid needs to know them too.

-Remind your child that negative feelings are temporary and will pass. Trudge through it.

-Celebrate any win. And teach your children to celebrate those small victories.

-Manage your own emotions. I’m not lying. This is the hardest one. As a parent, you can feel it deeply when your child is hurt. Teach your child how to navigate that problem but don’t become part of the problem.

-Remember that sugarcoating leads to bad outcomes. Talk to them about how their behavior may be impacting the social landscape.

-Be developmentally honest about your own experiences so that they know that they are not alone.

And finally reach out to process your own feelings. This is my personal favorite. It’s hard to parent when you feel it deeply. We don’t always know what to do to make it better. And sometimes there are no solutions. You will need as much support as your child does. Help your child identify someone that they can process their stressors, outside of the situation. Middle school can be survived with time, healthy coping, and support but it won’t be easy for anyone. Parent hard.