The Confidence to be Unpopular

Having the confidence to be unpopular is one of the hardest things to develop. We can only understand the strength to stand alone if we examine the other side of the coin, the need to belong. Belonging is central to the human experience whether its to your family, to a social group, or to your job- it's valued. Belonging is easily one of the most desirable feelings, however it can cause significant distress too. Ever heard of mom crew, a friend tribe, or street gang? Yes I said it, a gang, belonging is central to all of these.

There was a time in my life where I wanted belonging so badly I gave up some of my core values to get it. Now I am not proud of my behavior but I am honest about my experiences...the good, the bad, and the ugly. The reality is all of these decisions have consequences and even when I looked like I was living my very best life I was struggling.

In high school I never had a specific group. I was not popular but I was friendly. I sang in the show choir, worked a part time job in retail, and did well in school. But the truth is I had different friends in each area, none of which would necessarily hang out together on Saturday nights. Each set of people had value in my life and fulfilled different needs. The tough truth is that one person or group cannot be your everything. Support is best provided by multiple people with different strengths and abilities.

I have always been a collector of people. I have friends I call when I need to vent, vacation friends, parent friends, and most importantly friends who encourage me to loosen up and have fun. I am by nature a goody goody. I am always amazed by the strengths people have; their opinions, their quirks, their hobbies, and their habits. But I have deal breakers and boundaries too.

Now I am not discounting the mom crews, girls groupings, and/or social circles. I know there is value in having a group that is always together. I see the insta posts and feel a twinge of self doubt about my own worth. But then I remind myself that just because popularity is not my experience, doesn’t mean that I am not worthy of good friendships.

And my friends are truly amazing. I like being able to sit with different people and enjoy the time I have with them in the moment. I try to really be present, no surface level fun here. Real conversations, real life stories, and real genuine connection. And sometimes real sorrow. But it’s all authentic reactions to life.

The reality is my core group is the family I have created. And my core group gives me the confidence I need to be okay with being unpopular. I remind myself that it is not my job to be liked by others. Its my job to be true to myself and my experiences. And trust me my experiences and choices are often not the popular ones.

As school starts back next week, I want to be an example to my children. Be friends with people you value. Do not covet popularity. Be okay with being the kid that does the right thing even if it's the hard thing. And no matter what, be true to who you are, your values, and your own experiences. Being disliked is better than being a fake version of yourself. Have the courage to stand on your own when needed. Remember that support is available from the people that are willing to sit with you in joy and in sorrow (and they might live in your house).

And if you want sing a few show tunes…..well, I am here for that too.